.png)
"This time is for you. For however you feel.
For whatever you rather do, within my boundaries.
Is not for you to perform for me.
It it YOUR time".
Who had a great relationship with their mother as they grew up? Sometimes, due to a variety of reasons, we find ourselves yearning for that nurturing motherly connection from another source, like a substitute mother. A substitute mother is someone who steps into that nurturing role when our own mothers, for whatever reason, can't fulfill that need.
I didn't have the greatest relationship with my mother as a grew up. Her anxiety and overprotectiveness often felt suffocating, leaving me craving independence and space. Of couse she would have her reasons for this, but it did not made it any easier for me as a child. Despite this, I still needed that nurturing presence. This void was filled by my grandmother, who had a completely different personality. Our bond was strong, and her presence in my life provided a kind of needed tranquility in my life. Later some tutors and mentors became that role in my mind, some that I specially cared about and learnt from.
Motherly energy is unique and powerful. Yes, fathers are important too. Yes, same sex couples, single parents, they all may love their children as much and be totally essential for their emotional security. I am referring to 'mother' as concept, as archetype, as energy, if you accept the term.
Traditionally mothers have been the primary caregivers and fathers, too, play a crucial role, but apparently their way of interacting with their children is different. Research shows that mothers produce more oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which encourages them to comfort and nurture their children. This hormone is released not only during childbirth and breastfeeding but also through simple acts of touching, gazing, and comforting.
A very interesting study by researchers lead by Bar Ilan at Yale University found that both mothers and fathers produce oxytocin when caring for their children, but they respond differently. Mothers tend to become more sensitive and empathetic, while fathers engage in more playful and stimulating activities. This difference is partly due to hormonal variations, with fathers producing more vasopressin, which is linked to protective and stimulating behaviors.
Dr. John Krystal, editor of Biological Psychiatry, notes that these differences may stem from cultural role expectations, but not only because of traditional gender roles: they also highlight distinct effects of oxytocin in male and female brains. Fathers' brain activity patterns don't change as quickly as mothers when their babies cry, reflecting the unique ways each parent bonds with their child. With this I just want to mean how important "mother" is, wether you had one or not, the meaning of a motherly figure is deeply ingrained in our biology and our collective imaginery and conscience.
Motherhood is powerful. Taoism often describes a mysterious aspect of Tao as the womb of the universal embryo, the source of life that generates Heaven and Earth. This profound concept is referred to as the Mysterious Mother of the world. Taoists frequently use the images of the womb and embryo to illustrate the "Tao-world" relationship. Thus, Tao can be metaphorically defined as the mother of the world, the source of life and being, and the universal female archetype.
I am sure that if Lao Tzu had been presented with ABDL he could have relate it to being in the present moment, intensely in the present embodying your child inside.
Recently I delivered a session where my 'toddler' was not getting into the 'expected' toddler's headspace. I could see him struggle with all the things I had prepared for him. It was still a brilliant session.
I could see what was happening, grounded myself in acceptance of the moment, supported him to take his energy a bit out of himself (by watching cartoons) and then we had a chat about if he was or not in the 'right' headspace and what was going on in the very moment.
I said:
"This time is for you. For however you feel. For whatever you rather do, within my boundaries. Is not for you to perform for me. It's YOUR time".
He then expressed himself, in encouraged acceptance and that created a beautiful and autentic connection, and our energy shifted.
I won't get into the details of it, but is it true that yes, I want to deliver a good experience for those who come to me, but part of it is understanding that 'good' does not always mean what one imagine things would be.
And what was in this case is that by accepting the struggle and accepting this situation and person just as they came, then we could take in the whole situation, and slowly we where able to drift into other directions. I later had this whole person (adult or toddler, it does not matter), lying in my arms, relaxed and being nurtured and comforted in an unpredictable way, not scripted, alive.
'A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon arriving. A good artist lets his intuition lead him wherever it wants.' (Chapter 27 of the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu). We may best find the aliveness in the flexibility and intuition, allowing life to unfold naturally without rigid expectations or goals. No need to "do" the baby. No need "not to do" it.
And I can tell how I feel in that moment not just in him, but in me, as I do carry with me that mother energy, and even if ok I am not their real mother, I can feel the mother energy in me and let others feel it. I am for sure many things, and one of them is caring, for real. And in the same way I always hope that if my own child needed me and I couldn't be there for him, another mother substitute would be taking care of him and nurture him, as a righteous and fair response, just in the way I give myself to others.
Thank you, today's session was an example of flow.
Bibliography
1. Chan, Joe. "Importance Of Mothers In Children’s Lives." LinkedIn article. https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/importance-mothers-childrens-lives-joe-chan/
2. Elsevier. (2012, December10). Oxytocin produces more engaged fathers and more responsive infants. ScienceDaily. Retrieved May 30, 2024, from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/12/121210080639.htm
4. NBC News. "Your Brain on Fatherhood: Dads Experience Hormonal Changes Too, Research Shows." https://www.nbcnews.com/sciencemain/your-brain-fatherhood-dads-experience-hormonal-changes-too-research-shows-6c10333109
5. Swain, James E. "Baby stimuli and the parent brain: functional neuroimaging of the neural substrates of parent-infant attachment." Psychiatry (Edgmont), August 2008, Volume 5, Issue 8, pages 28-36. PMID: 19727273; PMCID: PMC2695737. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2695737/
6. Tortchinov, Evgueni A. "The Doctrine of the 'Mysterious Female' in Taoism: A Transpersonalist View." Journal of Conscious Evolution, Vol. 1, Iss. 1, Article 15, 2018. https://digitalcommons.ciis.edu/cejournal/vol1/iss1/15