Should I tell my partner? When? How?
Oh, critical questions, ain't them?
And there is a range of answers, as well as a range of partners. After numerous conversations with adult babies about this matter, I can see how the big range of responses to this has mostly to do with the feelings of guilt and shame that the AB person has, and also the perception they have on what their partners are going to think about them, how they will perceive them, and the fear of rejection from the partner, or al least experiencing disgust about it. On the extreme, there is also the fear of the partner telling to third parties in case they separate in the future.
All this is cause of a lot of conflicted feelings, and the longer the ABDL tendencies have been hidden to one's partner, the more likely it is that it will continue like this. But there is not great communication when one big part of our life is being not know by one's own partner, does it?
Not being able to evaluate what consequences it would have in your life sharing this side of yourself with your partner, I will abstain from giving advice towards doing it or not doing it, but I can give a bit of insight on how and when this can be done.
With regards to when, if your partner does not know about it, I wouldn't say write it in your dating profile, unless you are happy to write it in your dating profile and directly want to meet someone who is interested. But the reality is that a majority of the general public does not even know about it and might have a lot of prejudices and bias, so if this is the case you might want to speak about it lets say, once you know the person and there is some trust between both of you, but not necessarily on day one, the same way that there is information about any of us that we don't necessarily disclose on day one, but will eventually trust the other and tell me.
"Yes, but what if I am directly rejected by my partner? I don't want to risk that!"
It is very understandable. You can have various takes on this. One, you want a partner who understands you and embraces who you are completely, and in that case you will accept if the other wants to leave because they cannot accept a side of you. Second, you might want to do baby steps, never better said, into introducing your partner to it. If you do this whilst in the early stages of the relationship, you will have better grounds to base your decisions on how to progress into the relationship.
So you might not need to explain it all together in one go, but perhaps tell your partner if they
know about this, open the conversation about ABDL, but not necessarily disclosing that you are one of them. This can allow you to deep your toes into having this conversation without a full disclosure, and later opening up more once you feel that it's emotionally safe for you to do that.
I believe that is always best when you have a partner that knows about it, even if they may choose not to participate on it. They can be understanding enough on your needs, but not necessarily want to take it as far as they becoming your carer, and this is something important for you to know, that you have to understand them too. They might be facing something totally foreign for them and for some time go through a series of conflicted feelings. But I have seen couples who find balance between their needs and it is with great communication and love that they are able to have this and many other conversations, like in some cases, what happens when one has this need and the other does not. It is important to make clear that this works both ways, and is for your partner to be able to understand you, and also for you to understand your partner. One could feel grateful for the understanding of the other and the acceptance, and the other can be grateful for the trust and vulnerability given to them, and still not necessarily get involved with the other that way.
I have talked to couples and to partners, to put them at ease and help them to understand ABDL, and I am still open to do this as it's something that can help them understand each other better and have a better conversation about it. Not just that. It's been the case that a wife who knew about her husband's AB needs would want to check my website or talk to me before the husband comes to visit me (yes, less women visit me than men, and I often get clients from a spectrum or sexual orientations). Partners will be totally reassured that my services are absolutely therapeutic and there is not a fetish or sexual side to it. When they know me and talk to me, that can put anxieties to rest, and in the end this is priceless support for a relationship so they can get their needs met, and the person who does not want to do something, can safely delegate it, and be happy that the needs of their partners are being met, whilst their needs to not get involved are respected.
It is possible to achieve balance with good communication, and sometimes, with a little bit of help. You can check in my web that I also offer emotional support, and this is of course extended to couple sessions.
I wish a lot of love, patience and understanding of each other in a successful partnership.